“I’m a turner

I turn pages all the time

Don’t like where I’m at, 34 was bad

So, I just turn to 35” – Bluebird (Miranda Lambert)

This past Saturday was my 35th birthday. I’m a strange one that loves birthdays. Anyone who knows me knows that I love celebrating birthdays – friends, family, celebrities I’m a fan of, and my own. This year, however, was different. I really didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to be social, and I just wanted to be lazy at home. I’m still trying to process the loss of my dad from May, so these past few months have challenged me. I also feel horrible, because I’ve realized that although I lost my last remaining parent 6 months ago, this year really hasn’t been bad for me. I don’t really know how to process that feeling. I feel like I should have had a rougher year with these last 6 months, but truth be told I really haven’t. Yes, losing my father was a sudden shock, and broke my heart, but I didn’t spend these last 6 months dwelling in my loss, I made the best of it. When something bad happens to me I look for the positives in the situation and see it as a “glass half full” type of scenario. I also remind myself that it could have been worse. I guess what I’m really saying is that my head can’t process the fact that I’m not having a shitty rest of the year after my loss or that I am able to enjoy things that have happened in the past 6 months after my loss. I feel like the normal thing to do is dwell in your predicament, but everyone processes grief in different ways and there really is no right or wrong way to handle it. I think because I’ve been down this road before when I lost my mother 17 years ago that I was able to process the loss of my father a bit easier – that’s not to say that he didn’t mean as much to me as my mother, but I knew someday I would have to deal with the loss of him and it just came quicker than I anticipated. I spoke to a friend recently about how I was feeling, and I mentioned that I felt that I didn’t deserve to be okay after this loss and I should not be enjoying life so much these past 6 months. She told me that she thought I was able to deal so easily because I have been opening myself up more and more as the years have gone by. What is normal anyway? I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer for this because we are all different. Someone else’s normal may not be my normal and vice versa, and that is quite okay. Thirty-four was bad for a split second (exaggerating a little), but it really wasn’t as bad as expected. I feel that because acting like the world has ended after losing someone is the norm, I’m a horrible person for not feeling like that. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way and validating my “being okay” feelings towards this loss. 

I spent the last 6 months cleaning and moving out of my dad’s house (in a month timeframe that I was given), going on my first vacation since Covid desperately came into the world’s lives last year, did some home renovations on parts of my house with my husband, binge watched some great shows (Castle, Shadowhunters, SMASH, Haven, Gilmore Girls, Zac & Mia, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), spent MANY hours scrolling through TikTok, read a few books, and of course I spent time writing between my three manuscripts. I really think that keeping my mind busy has helped a lot in my feelings towards this loss. I really missed blogging; my husband asked me why I hadn’t blogged since July, my only answer was because I didn’t know what to say. Blogging is so new to me, and I don’t want to say the same thing in every entry; being reputative is boring! Here’s to hoping that I have more thoughts to blog as the days and months go by.

Despite the loss, I’m actually excited for the holidays. My dad was a nut for all things Halloween and Christmas, so I’m thrilled to be an extension of him and his love for this season. I can’t wait to bring his passion for the holidays into my vision for the future holiday seasons. I’ve realized the holiday seasons don’t have to be sad, because we can honor those, we lost during the holiday season. I once read that our loved ones never die, because as long as we keep talking about them and reminisce the memories we have, they’ll never truly be gone. I was talking to my niece about this last month, how our family should hate the holidays due to the amount of loss that we’ve had in our family. Her and I both agreed that regardless it’s still our favorite time of the year. We push through and enjoy what we have and are truly thankful for whatever time we’ve gotten to spend with those we’ve lost in our family. Our family loves the holidays too much to have it tainted by loss. Also, our family members would be so disappointed in us if we felt sorry for ourselves and muddled through the holiday season. I’m proud of the remaining family members in my family because we’re strong and we got this! 

Halloween came and went, next up is turkey day, right after that (for me) is a month-long Christmas celebration, and lastly, we’ll close out the year with the New Year’s Eve ball drop in NYC (through our tv of course). Happiest of the holiday season to everyone – let’s go! 😊