Tag: Positive Vibes

I Applied

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I applied for my first writing job today! It was a really fun application process. I got to showcase my writing and answer questions that did not necessarily have a right or wrong answer needed. Since taking on this crazy writing journey, I knew that I always wanted to eventually get paid to write, but had no idea where to start. I did some hunting and found a place for Freelance Writing jobs and actually had the balls to apply to one. Whether I get the job or not, I’m just proud of myself for reaching out of my comfort zone and applying for a writing job. As much as I want to keep writing my own stories and keep them to myself for fear of judgment, I can’t think like that or be scared of judgement. Especially if I want to become an actually author of books that people buy, I can’t constantly hideaway all of my writing from the world. Hitting the submit button on my application was nerve-racking, yet exhilarating. Going forward, I will be searching and applying for more writing jobs, so that I can write and get paid while I’m on my own journey to becoming an author. If you know me, you’ll know that I always say that the journey is the best part.

It’s been quite a few months since posting a blog, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. I’ve been working on several projects since my last blog post in January. I’ve been consumed with writing since then, but as of late I’ve felt that I needed to do more with my writing. This is why I’ve been searching around for writing jobs, that are actually willing to work with a writer with no actual experience besides writing on their own time. No one ever goes into a job knowing the job completely. They have to learn how a company expects that particular job to be done and be trained on said job. I don’t think you ever stop learning. You could be doing a specific job for 25 years, but jobs are ever changing and new things arise, so you’ll learn a new thing or two along the way. There is always a starting place, so to those companies who are willing to take a chance on someone to show them what they can bring to the table, I applaud you.

Here’s to applying for my first writing job, and all the writing jobs I now have the confidence to apply for in the future!

Page Turner…

.Reading time 8 minutes.

“I’m a turner

I turn pages all the time

Don’t like where I’m at, 34 was bad

So, I just turn to 35” – Bluebird (Miranda Lambert)

This past Saturday was my 35th birthday. I’m a strange one that loves birthdays. Anyone who knows me knows that I love celebrating birthdays – friends, family, celebrities I’m a fan of, and my own. This year, however, was different. I really didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to be social, and I just wanted to be lazy at home. I’m still trying to process the loss of my dad from May, so these past few months have challenged me. I also feel horrible, because I’ve realized that although I lost my last remaining parent 6 months ago, this year really hasn’t been bad for me. I don’t really know how to process that feeling. I feel like I should have had a rougher year with these last 6 months, but truth be told I really haven’t. Yes, losing my father was a sudden shock, and broke my heart, but I didn’t spend these last 6 months dwelling in my loss, I made the best of it. When something bad happens to me I look for the positives in the situation and see it as a “glass half full” type of scenario. I also remind myself that it could have been worse. I guess what I’m really saying is that my head can’t process the fact that I’m not having a shitty rest of the year after my loss or that I am able to enjoy things that have happened in the past 6 months after my loss. I feel like the normal thing to do is dwell in your predicament, but everyone processes grief in different ways and there really is no right or wrong way to handle it. I think because I’ve been down this road before when I lost my mother 17 years ago that I was able to process the loss of my father a bit easier – that’s not to say that he didn’t mean as much to me as my mother, but I knew someday I would have to deal with the loss of him and it just came quicker than I anticipated. I spoke to a friend recently about how I was feeling, and I mentioned that I felt that I didn’t deserve to be okay after this loss and I should not be enjoying life so much these past 6 months. She told me that she thought I was able to deal so easily because I have been opening myself up more and more as the years have gone by. What is normal anyway? I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer for this because we are all different. Someone else’s normal may not be my normal and vice versa, and that is quite okay. Thirty-four was bad for a split second (exaggerating a little), but it really wasn’t as bad as expected. I feel that because acting like the world has ended after losing someone is the norm, I’m a horrible person for not feeling like that. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way and validating my “being okay” feelings towards this loss. 

I spent the last 6 months cleaning and moving out of my dad’s house (in a month timeframe that I was given), going on my first vacation since Covid desperately came into the world’s lives last year, did some home renovations on parts of my house with my husband, binge watched some great shows (Castle, Shadowhunters, SMASH, Haven, Gilmore Girls, Zac & Mia, and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), spent MANY hours scrolling through TikTok, read a few books, and of course I spent time writing between my three manuscripts. I really think that keeping my mind busy has helped a lot in my feelings towards this loss. I really missed blogging; my husband asked me why I hadn’t blogged since July, my only answer was because I didn’t know what to say. Blogging is so new to me, and I don’t want to say the same thing in every entry; being reputative is boring! Here’s to hoping that I have more thoughts to blog as the days and months go by.

Despite the loss, I’m actually excited for the holidays. My dad was a nut for all things Halloween and Christmas, so I’m thrilled to be an extension of him and his love for this season. I can’t wait to bring his passion for the holidays into my vision for the future holiday seasons. I’ve realized the holiday seasons don’t have to be sad, because we can honor those, we lost during the holiday season. I once read that our loved ones never die, because as long as we keep talking about them and reminisce the memories we have, they’ll never truly be gone. I was talking to my niece about this last month, how our family should hate the holidays due to the amount of loss that we’ve had in our family. Her and I both agreed that regardless it’s still our favorite time of the year. We push through and enjoy what we have and are truly thankful for whatever time we’ve gotten to spend with those we’ve lost in our family. Our family loves the holidays too much to have it tainted by loss. Also, our family members would be so disappointed in us if we felt sorry for ourselves and muddled through the holiday season. I’m proud of the remaining family members in my family because we’re strong and we got this! 

Halloween came and went, next up is turkey day, right after that (for me) is a month-long Christmas celebration, and lastly, we’ll close out the year with the New Year’s Eve ball drop in NYC (through our tv of course). Happiest of the holiday season to everyone – let’s go! 😊

Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining

.Reading time 6 minutes.

He’s gone. He died. On Saturday, May 1st my dad and I talked all day long and at 8:35pm we would never talk to each other again. In the blink of an eye, my hero, my rock, the last parent I had left, was gone. When I was 17 years old, and my mother was slowly dying from cancer, I had given up on religion and praying. My mom was quickly gone, and my prayers felt like they had been a waste of time and were nothing. I had my father to lean on, and boy, did I. He hadn’t been feeling too well for the two weeks prior to his death; he chalked it up to being a cold. He spent his last day working (for Apple) and talking to me, all while in a hospital bed. The one thing I held onto was the fact that it wasn’t COVID-19 that killed him. I kept thinking that he made it through 2020 but couldn’t make it halfway through 2021. It was fast and quick; our family is still dealing with a bit of shock. 

My dad knew that I started writing more, but I never got to tell him the extent of where I was going with my writing. I was nervous to tell him that I wanted to write full time and pursue this journey. He was the type of person that wanted me to fulfill my dreams and strive for them, but he also wanted me to be realistic in case my dreams didn’t work out. I’ve always hid my writing passion, because of this. I dabbled here and there, but never actually put my full attention to it. I decided at the beginning of April that I was quitting my job at the company I was working for to focus all my attention to my writing; it was one of the best decisions I had ever made. I spent all of April writing and setting myself up to continue on my writing journey full time. When my father died on May 1st, I put my writing on hold. I spent the last two months dealing with all of his possessions, packing up his house, filling out paperwork, phone calls, etc., I was doing everything but writing. Throughout the last two months I had friends and family ask me how my job was complying with the fact that I needed this much time off. I started to tell people about me quitting my job and pursuing writing full time; to my surprise everyone thought it was a wonderful decision and supports me to the fullest. It was definitely what I needed to hear, because I was always hard on myself with my writing. My writing needed to be perfect, because I was a bit of a perfectionist, and it was a reflection of myself. I didn’t want to be seen as being a failure or no good enough. As I started back in April, I was learning that it was ok if my writing wasn’t perfect and the more, I practiced it would be a great reflection of myself. It was ok if I failed, because failure brings greatness. The more I work at it the better I’ll get. I think my dad secretly knew how much I loved to write, and he knew that I would eventually succeed.

 I joked that I went from being Finding Nemo having just my dad to being Harry Potter with no parents at all. Laughter really is the best medicine, especially when you’re in pain. There are parts of me that are forever lost and gone, but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue on my journey. Both of my parents would be so disappointed in me if I sat here and sulked instead of striving for a passion of mine. Losing both my parents before thirty-five is tough, but I’m grateful for the time I was given with both of them and sad to say, but it could be worse. My outlook for everything is to stay positive and see the glass half full rather than half empty. I opened one of the manuscripts that I was working on and started adding more to the story this past week. My two-month hiatus isn’t fully over, but I know that I need to start writing again to keep my sanity at peace and my dream alive. I will get through this, because I’m back, baby! 😊