I have Body Dysmorphia. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is 100% real. It’s a mental disorder that has no cure. For some people it’s extremely difficult every day, and others it’s manageable. I, myself, get flare ups of Body Dysmorphia from time to time. I want to explain how I feel with mine and show that you are not alone if you’re dealing with this too.

I hate being misunderstood when I talk about having Body Dysmorphia. One thing I absolutely loathe is when celebrities and social media influencers say: “we’re all beautiful, love yourself…” blah blah blah. I honestly, can’t stand that shit. They think saying those words and being body positive is easy, but for some of us it’s a real struggle. I’m not saying I don’t want to be body positive or love myself, but when you have Body Dysmorphia, it’s difficult. Hollywood and the fashion industry does not make this disorder easy on normal people. There is an absurd idea on how we should all look, and it’s quite disgusting if I’m being completely honest. Let’s be real, the only reason Hollywood stars (and fashion models) look the way they do is because they have money and a team of people that make them look like that. It’s completely unrealistic and make other people feel ashamed, because they can’t grasp why they too can’t look like that. It’s a crock. Don’t even get me started on famous people who claim they’ve never had work done on their face or body to look the way they do. It’s no wonder why people have such mental health issues because they can’t live up to what is projected and assumed to be what people should be attracted too. 

One annoying thing is when people ‘try’ to make you feel better while you’re struggle through your Body Dysmorphia. They think once you hear all the nice things about you, that you’re disorder will disappear, and you’ll stop feeling this way or looking at yourself in a terrible way. 

These are just some things that my mind goes through while I’m having a bad Body Dysmorphia day. I can’t be the only person going through this thinking like that. Just know, that I struggle (silently) too. When I say that I silently struggle, it’s because I do. Most of these thoughts are internal and never vocalized. I don’t want to appear to be a burden on my family or friends or they look at me and think I’m dumb for thinking this way about myself. In 2018 before I started regular therapy sessions (and continue to this day), I told a handful of friends that I struggled with this disorder. A handful of them tearfully hugged me because they could see that I was being honest with them about this disorder that I had. I could tell that they felt for me and wanted me to know how beautiful they thought I was. I was heartwarming to say the least. I’m not sure if they understand that I still struggle and have my good and bad days. I don’t burden them with this little issue that I have (even though it’s not little to me). 

I also struggle believing when body positive influencers that have normal type bodies and they state that it’s normal to have rolls or look a normal way. I think it’s because for so long it was shoved down our throats what was sexy or what we should look like. My mind instantly goes to ‘it’s most definitely not okay to have rolls. You have to be a size 2, a flat stomach, perky boobs, a nice small round butt, and normal proportioned sized hips.” (for a woman). I’m well aware that men struggle with Body Dysmorphia as well, but I’m speaking for myself and how it was perceived how women should look. Now with so many makeup or TikTok influencers out there it’s harder to not attempt to look a certain way. I, for one, cannot do my makeup the way the beauty influencers are teaching us to do makeup now or what is ‘in’ at this moment. Seriously, I don’t get this ideal of looking a certain way, but my head makes me believe that I have to look like that now to keep up with the times. Honestly, I’ll never look like that. I also hate when celebrities or influencers tell the normal public (who’s watching them) that they don’t need to use filters or photoshop on their social media posts. Honestly, they’re so full of shit because they sure as hell use photoshop and filters. Also, I gladly tell people that I edit (most) of my photos before I post them. Not huge things, but I’ll whiten my teeth a little bit, adjust lighting if needed to take shadows away, and sometimes I’ll go to my makeup app to fix my eyebrows (I have a love hate relationship with my eyebrows – they never match nor do they really appear in pictures no matter if I’ve already drawn them on – I’m a natural redhead, a strawberry blonde, so half my hair is blonde and unnoticeable – it’s rough). I have no trouble admitting editing my photos to make myself look a little better to feel better about myself. I even have friends and family ask if I want to edit the photo before it’s posted or get my approval before they post it. I think it’s a sweet nod to the fact that they know and understand I have a disorder.

I’ve had Body Dysmorphia since I was a kid. I was a scrawny child and always super skinny. When I was a kid, I was the tall, skinny, chicken legged girl. I spent my childhood and high school years very active doing dance and cheerleading. As I grew up and started developing, I stopped growing a 5’5”, I have wide big hips (just like my mother, the only difference is that my mother was 6’0” and I’m most definitely not). I also have the same big, somewhat flat butt that my mother had. Again, I don’t look as proportioned like my mother had. I have chunky arms as well as my abdomen, because of my insulin shots I’ve given myself over the last 20 years. I’ve been a size 8 for as long as I can remember, and I’m totally fine with being a size 8. At my heaviest, several years ago, I went up to a size 10/12, and felt horrible. It didn’t help that my father once said to me during this time “you’re getting fat. You look a little chunky. I thought you said you got a membership to 24 Hour Fitness?” and when I looked at him in shock and defeated about my weight gain, he said “hey, I’m your dad, I can say stuff like that.” Honestly, no, no one can say shit like that to you, EVER! I still think about those words he said to me, and although he apologized it still stung. I’ve also had friends and co-workers joke about my body in the sense of “you have baby bearing hips” because they are a little wider. Like, I know very well how wide my hips are, but I don’t need the comments on them or any part of my body. When I have a bad Body Dysmorphia day and look at myself in the mirror I hear his words loud and clear. The scale has also been a menace in my life as well. I know that in my late thirties (I’m only 36) that it’s harder to lose weight and you’ll definitely not be the same weight you were in high school, but my goal right now is to be the weight that is listed on my drivers license (15 pounds lighter). At the time I was that weight (after high school) and I’d like to be around that weight again. When my dad passed two years ago and I had to deal with clearing out his house, I was so close to my goal weight (I was down 14 pounds), because I was moving around a lot. It’s harder now that I don’t have a gym membership, and I’m surrounded by good food in my house (not healthy). I also struggle with at home workouts, which I’d rather be doing. I have a treadmill and use it 5 times a week to do at least 20-30 minutes on. That’s not going to do much, I know. Back to the scale issue, I know that when you work out you gain muscle and muscle is heavier than fat (or so my husband tells me), but when I’m trying to lose weight and see the scale go up in pounds, I feel like a giant failure. It’s a teetertotter of emotions and it sucks. 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is common and happens to handful of us. It’s a mental disorder in which you have an obsessive focus on perceived flaws in your appearance. It can be a minor flaw or an imagined one, but a person struggling with this disorder can spend hours trying to fix this so-called flaw. It can even go as far as getting cosmetic surgery to fix the body issue. Treatment for this disorder is usually therapy. Unfortunately, there is no cure for this disorder. This disorder can last for years or be a lifelong disorder. 

For anyone not struggling with this disorder, please, be kind to others. You have no idea what they are internally struggling with. Jokes are fun and all, but we should never joke about anyone’s body – it’s not funny and can leave internal trauma that you don’t realize. Also making joke about someone else because you’re insecure about your own body issues isn’t okay either. Stop telling people to be okay with their bodies, it’s not that simple. It takes no effort to be kind to others. We’re all struggling. I encourage everyone who is struggling with this or any other mental health issue to seek help in the form of a therapist or medical doctor. It sucks asking for help, but I’ll admit that talking to a therapist does in fact help. Seriously, don’t listen to your friends or family for help on this issue. Honestly, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Seek professional help, it can only benefit you in your struggle.